What I Want

Now that my baby bump is now a full on baby belly, I get asked the question, "Are you wanting a boy or a girl?" pretty often. A common question for all pregnant women. When I was asked this with Ava, my immediate answer, without any hesitation, was "A girl!" I wanted a girl. I needed a girl. And I knew very early on that she was a girl! I used to daydream about her first dance, going shopping together, mother/daughter spa trips, dance classes, her wedding.... And I got my precious little girl! But I never dreamed or anticipated the challenges she would face, the challenges that WE would face, and having to let go of all of those daydreams of special moments in her life. But that heartbreak taught me a very valuable lesson, as heartbreak often does. And I know that those special moments are now replaced with even more precious and amazing milestones that my baby will reach with me by her side each step of the way.

With this pregnancy, when I am asked that question- "what do you want it to be?"- my answer is always the same. "I really, honestly, don't care." Because I don't. I am overjoyed to be able to have a second child- thankful and blessed beyond words- and I don't care if this baby is a boy or a girl at all! I never pictured myself being a "boy mom" and before Ava, I never really thought I could handle boys. They are loud, dirty, wild, and rough- not what I ever pictured for myself. But oh how life changes you! And having Ava has made me a bit fearless, in a way! Because I know that it doesn't matter what life throws at me. I can handle it with the Lord's help, and the love and support of our family and friends.

I also have the privilege of knowing that it really doesn't matter if this baby is healthy. Of course I hope and pray and want this baby to be a healthy, typical child more than anything in the world. But I know, without any doubt or uncertainty, that if this baby does have special needs, or medical issues, or whatever, that we will not love him or her any less. And we will be just as proud and just as blessed-if not more so- to be the parents of this child. And that we can handle whatever comes our way, because of the love we have for this child. A parents' love doesn't fail and it isn't dependent on what a child looks like or is able to do. A parents' love is unconditional. I have experienced that love from a parent's aspect. I am so in love with Ava- a child that many people might have chosen to abort or give up for adoption had they known about her condition. And the honest truth? I feel so much pity and sympathy for those people. Because they would have missed out on the most remarkable blessing anyone could ever receive.