Sunday, February 5, 2012

Angel Siblings...


I think the only thing being more special than being an Angel parent is perhaps being an Angel sibling. I have a close network of online "angel parent" friends, and many of them have several children. And I just love when they share things that their typical children have done, said, or written about their angel brother or sister! One of my favorites was an older angel playing with her younger typical brother. And the mom overheard the typical brother say something to the effect of "I know you have that 'angel' thing, but that doesn't mean that you can pull my hair!" I just rolled!

I have asked my fellow angel parents several times about what it is like to have an older angel child and younger typical children. And the response I get is always the same. They all say that it is the best thing that they ever did for their entire family, and that their children are all so wonderful and precious.

I know that having another child or two will be hard. Harder than usual because of the challenges we face and will face with Ava. But Cole and I both are committed to having more children (although we somewhat disagree on how many more to have) and knowing that Ava's AS is a random event gives us the "green light" to have more children. We have our genetics appointment this week, and I think after that appointment we will really be able to seriously evaluate when, how many, etc.

The idea of having more children both excites and scares me. There is an article going around the facebook world about how having one child is so hard, but that having more children gets easier. I pray that holds true for me. Because having Ava is hard. And sometimes, mostly in the hardest times, I question my sanity in wanting more children. But at the end of the day, I know it is what I want, and what my heart needs to help heal from the pain and mourning that we continue to experience in the wake of Ava's diagnosis.

If I am being perfectly honest, I must admit that I am somewhat fearful of typical children. This sounds strange, probably. But an Angel is all I know. And looking back, knowing that all of the smiles and happy-go-lucky nature was mostly the AS, I worry about what our future (and Lord willing typical) children will be like. I know that I will love our next child/children as much as I love our Ava. But a small part of me is also fearful that I won't care about them as much. I know this really won't be true. But I just cannot fathom loving or caring for anyone as much as I do Ava. I was snuggling on the couch with her last night before bed, and I just prayed that the Lord would allow me to love our other children and dote on them and nurture them as much as I do Ava. I think this fear is a result of how much I know Ava needs me and relies on me- even more than typical children.

I love our future children- or at least the idea of them- so much already. And as we begin to explore the idea of adding to our family, I pray that the Lord gives us the wisdom and courage to do His will.