Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A little sad...

I am feeling a little sad tonight. Usually Valentine's Day is one of my favorite days of the year. There is pink EVERYWHERE, my sweet hubs always gets me gorgeous flowers, and eating candy is not only okay, it's expected!

But this year is different. While I read about and see all of Ava's typical peers exchanging valentines and making cookies for their friends, I am once again confronted with a life I will never have with my daughter. My baby will never do those things (at least not until they find a cure). I have those moments just about every day. When the checker at Kroger brags on her two year old grandson for being potty trained already (which happened today too- double whammy!). When a tired but well meaning friend laments about her toddler who "won't shut up." When I tell another mother about Ava's condition and I see the pity and sadness in their eyes as they gaze on Ava, and the relief and thankfulness as they look back to their own child. Those are the moments I just want to scream! And cry. And be just down right ANGRY for my life and my daughter's lost future.

I don't know if this will ever get better. My AS friends say it will. But I don't know if it gets better or if you just become accustomed to the "slaps" as I call them. As in "slaps in the face." Maybe a little of both?

Most of the time, I feel like I do really well at just focusing on Ava. How wonderful she is. The things she can do. But there are times that that is really difficult to do. Not that she isn't wonderful. And not that I am not proud of her for all that she is able to do. But I want so badly for her to be typical! I don't want her to struggle. I don't want her to miss out on all of the wonders of a typical life.

Sorry to be such a downer on Valentines Day. Some days are harder than others, and this one just happens to be hard. But tomorrow is a new day, and with it brings new hope and a renewed strength. And at the end of the day, I know that one day, my baby WILL speak and WILL do all of the things her condition will not allow. I don't know if that will be on this Earth or in our Heavenly home. But I cannot wait for that day to come!!!

3 comments:

Jeff, Sarah, and Lydia said...

Rachel - You are such a strong woman. Praying that God will give you the rest and comfort that you need right now.

Jessica said...

Hi Rachel - I found your blog today as I was researching sensory playroom ideas. When I read this particular entry, I am moved to tears. This is exactly how I am feeling today after a rough, socializing filled weekend with my 3 year old son who has autism. It's oddly nice to know that I am not the only mother with hard days. Thank you for sharing. I am right there with you. www.courageandcoffee.com

The Brewers said...

Jessica- I am so glad that you found my blog. It does help so much knowing that you are not alone in your feelings- feelings that are so unique to having a special needs child. One thing I know for sure- no matter what we encounter on our journeys with our kids, we will never be alone!!! (((HUGS)))